Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Trinity Women

Here I sit at my desk with an empty pint of ice cream that I started last night. I also sit just three days from flying 538 miles with Jeremy to meet our new six year-old son. Hopefully by next Sunday night, we'll be on a plane with a little boy in the next seat headed home. We still haven't received the big official okay to bring him home, but it looks promising. Pray for us?




I want time to speed up and I want it to slow down. I ache for him to be home and at home here. But I'm also savoring the last days in this chapter of our family as it is right now. The emotions swing up high and they dip down low.

At times, I'm akin to a boxer in one of those silk robes and a mouth guard, ready to fight for the heart of a little boy.

Other moments, I see myself more like Jesus as he's pictured in a children's Bible sitting on a rock wearing a pleasant expression with arms outstretched happily welcoming children onto his knee. 

And then there's the me I'm least proud of. The me who gets fearful and wants to run into the bathroom and hide behind the shower curtain. There will be changes up ahead that will alter my already stretched out, yet happy bubble. And they make me want to hide.

I'm three-in-one.
Fighter.
Serene.
Hunkered.

Me.



I think there might be a three-in-one in all of us.

We fight for the stuff we believe in and love passionately.
But we hide from things that threaten our comfort and seek to change us too much. Oh, how we loathe the process of being changed. We're all in, yet search for the nearest exit.

It's okay to feel more than one emotion even when we're trusting God. It doesn't mean we're wrong, bad, off-course, or strange. I like to think of us as trinity women. We each have many facets, yet are one woman. Of course I don't compare us to the Trinity. Goodness. But I think the analogy works.

I've yet to meet a woman who is able to hold steady in just one emotion before walking into the unknown. There's usually fear coupled with tingly excitement. A healthy dose of confidence mingled with self-doubt. Sadness mixed with pure joy.

As it is right now, when I move into battle for a young heart, Jesus fights for me. Even if I'm trembling rather than bold.
As I love people and open my life to them in His name, Jesus continues to envelop me in His. Even if my arms are weak.
And if I hide from what I fear, He'll tuck in behind the shower curtain and whisper the truth about my future. Even when I doubt.

And He'll do the same for you when you do your thing. That multi-faceted woman thing.

Since Jesus holds our future, we really should believe Him. It will turn out okay in the end. Maybe your okay will come next week, or maybe not for a year or even a far-off ten, but one day it will be made right. That sounds depressing, but it's true. And good.

So tell me, trinity woman, what emotions are you facing as you step out into the unknown?


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6 comments:

  1. Thank you for that perspective Amanda. I swing from anxiety and aprehension, to cautious expectation, then firm confidence in God's goodness and faithfulness.

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    1. Thank you, Mukkove... Sounds like we travel in similar circles.

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  2. Yup, this is so true! Lately I've been s l o w l y learning to be okay with my conflicting emotions. Joy in my current life but also painful yearnings for stuff God just hasn't given me right now; a desire to minister to the people around me but also the feeling that I need to focus on my own crazy problems; excitement for the future but also a whole lot of fear. This is part of being human. Jesus knows my weakness. He came to earth and He knows that it's a pretty messy place in which to live. :)

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    1. You are one wise young woman, Miss Rachel. :)

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  3. Thank you so much for sharing, Amanda. I too have been waffling back and forth between faith and fear. We're in our sixth adoption process. WHen does this get easier? I know, KNOW that we're supposed to be doing this...and yet I fear how it will change our normal. It may be (shudder) hard. And yet, we obey. Because, I wouldn't dare not. Deep down, what I fear most is missing anything He has for me while I'm here on this earth.

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    1. Exactly. Amen, Joli. Praying for your family!

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